Lamentations of the Father- by Ian Frazier

Laws of Forbidden Places

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the
sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight
you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed
animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat,
but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed
animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in
the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and
of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals
that are of bright color and unknown provenance you
may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently
frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you
may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those
in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living
room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when
you reach the place where the living room carpet
begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat,
neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are
lying down and watching something, then may you eat in
the living room.


Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a
chair such as a greater person might use, keep your
legs and feet below you as it were. Neither raise up
your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for
that is an abomination unto me. Yea, even when you
have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon
the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it
any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that
is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks
in the milk, and lick it off, you shall be sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain
upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and
by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make
noises in it sounding like a duck: for you shall be
sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until
you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your
brother or your sister what is within; I say to you,
do not so, even if your brother or your sister hath
done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to
you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in
pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And
though the pieces of broccoli are very like small
trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest,
because we do not do that,that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one
side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly
slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your
hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I
have said, it has come to pass.


Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the
plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is
clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you
have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your
peas with each bite consisting of not less than three
peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can
see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes
to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can
see, then you shall have dessert.

But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you
eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert;
and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes
uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a
small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or
peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have
eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.
And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.


On Screaming

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the
time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you
do not wish to touch each other are touching each
other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while
you point to the offense with the finger of your right
hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate
gently with the server, that the server may correct
the fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which
every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and
steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from
screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and
cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from
within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press
your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the
fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet
shall not surely die.


Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift
your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash
you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very
back of your head, there is rice thereon.

And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the
tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
distributed in a manner wonderful to see.

Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each
finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and
also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What
I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence
until I have done.


Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be also bitten again. Neither drink
of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any
kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the
package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against
any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that
you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the
humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the
light and the book. Indeed, you shall drive me to
madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.